Twenty-twenty three was all at once long and short. It was productive and restful and lonely and busy and quiet and chaotic. Moments of joy, lots of fun, hard days, slow mornings, late nights. It was full of growth, grief, change, loss, healing.
I cried a lot this year. I cried at Sonoratown because the quesadillas are so good and I cried when I picked out a new mattress in February. I cried at the dentist during a routine cleaning and in April, I cried when a bouquet of ranunculus stems was left at my door. I also laughed a lot this year. When I got unexpected letters in the mail, when I swam in the ocean in the late summer, and when I accidentally left my cell phone on the roof of my car and it flew off into the middle of the 101. LOL.
In 2023, I got pulled over for speeding, I got on medication to help me manage depression, I got a TikTok-viral scalp massage, I became a brunette. I got regular oil changes and tire rotations… and then my car broke down. My mom and I got massages at Spa La Quinta. My nephew Henry was a fireman for Halloween. His brother Harrison loves trash trucks. I ate chicken piccata at Dan Tana's and then, after, a scoop of cappuccino ice cream for dessert. I wore a pink dress to see the Barbie movie in the theater, I got Botox, I made a vision board, I ate a million nectarines and sugar kiss melons in the summertime, I took out my nose ring (I wore it for 17 years, lol), I got a new vacuum, and my step-mom helped me deep clean my apartment. My dad and I continued in our tradition of enjoying occasional “express” (espresso) in the morning shade of his orchid and rose garden. I went to the Palm Springs Art Museum, The World of Barbie, the Getty Villa Museum, and the Getty Center. In Austin, in May, I ate banh mi at Elizabeth Street Cafe and tattooed “Daddy” in loopy cursive on my right butt cheek.
On December 23, my mom was admitted to Santa Barbara Cottage Hospital in critical health condition. Then, on Christmas Day, my brothers and I made the difficult decision to take her off life support. For two days she was surrounded by her kids and we held her hands, kissed her face and we watched her favorite movies (The Big Lebowski and Groundhog’s Day). I told her I loved her very, very much. She passed peacefully on December 27, 1:00 in the afternoon. Her spirit is free to move and shake and jump and dance. I will miss her every day and do my best to make her proud.
I read twenty-four books this year:
Crime and Punishment- Fyodor Dostoevsky
Native Son- Richard Wright
The Aspern Papers- Henry James
Tara Road- Maeve Binchy
The Reader- Bernard Shaw
Northanger Abbey- Jane Austen
The Pilot's Wife- Anita Shreve
Four Feathers- A.E.W. Mason
The Ambassadors- Henry James
A Death in the Family- James Agee
Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea- Jules Verne
Devil in a White City- Erik Larson
The Bostonians- Henry James
Heart of Darkness- Joseph Conrad
An American Tragedy- Theodore Dreiser
We Were the Mulvanys- Joyce Carole Oates
Two Years Before the Mast- Richard Henry Dana Jr.
Deerslayer- James Fenimore Cooper
Germinal- Emile Zola
Uncle Tom's Cabin- Harriet Breecher Stowe
O, Pioneers!- Willa Cather
Barchester Towers- Antony Trollope
In 2023 I did Yoga with Adrien every single day. On my mat I laughed, breathed deep, cried, I surprised myself, I fell asleep. Time spent on my mat is an exercise in physical and mental and emotional stamina. Sometimes my practice just looks like sitting on my mat and noticing my breathing. Other times it looks like downward dogs and deep twists and plank poses. I’m learning about how to trust my instincts and finding what feels good.
I walked a lot this year, too. My Nike Run Club app says I walked 431.6 miles on 205 walks this year. My fastest mile was 12 minutes 36 seconds and my longest walk was 5.88 miles.
I spent a lot of time alone. On Easter I picnicked on a Cold Springs Tavern tri tip sandwich in a field of wildflowers near Lake Cachuma. On the Fourth of July I walked from my house down to the harbor to catch the firework show. On Thanksgiving, I set the table for one and ate pears with Gorgonzola, mashed potatoes, asparagus. I roasted a chicken. On my 35th birthday I took a nap in the rose garden and at Christmas time I got a small tree, the branches I wrapped up with lights and festooned with a couple of glittering ornaments. An avocado. An oyster shell. A sparkling saguaro cactus. I laced up some cans of wet food with bows for Spencer and we spent the holiday season drinking coffee and watching Forensic Files and Prancer.
In October, I went on a camping road trip all by myself. I went to Mammoth and Yosemite, Lake Tahoe and Yellowstone. Imagine forests of crisping, curling leaves, steamy sulfur springs, jagged peaks, hundreds of butterflies, millions of stars, a chance black bear sighting. Do you see that? Look! Over there! A frothing waterfall! Bats in the night! Some juicy peaches from a roadside farm stand. A root beer float at a pizza parlor in Idaho. In camping and hiking, exploring, driving I learned that I’m resourceful, adventurous, brave, strong and ambitious. I learned that I actually really like to be alone. I learned that I really enjoy my own company. And did you know those are two different things?
When I got home from my road trip I adopted a fat gray cat named Spencer. He’s got long whiskers and short legs and a snipped right ear. He’s about a year old, he likes brushes and sitting in the window and cans of seafood feast wet food. He’s very shy but cuddly and fluffy and sweet and fat. He reminds me a lot of Lars.
I love my job! At Bar Le Cote a dining room that is buzzing. Can you smell that? Onions roasting and garlic sizzling and butter browning? A hum of kitchen calls and finger licks, corks popping. A carefully curated arrangement of frilly flowers on the bar, an original tin ceiling, tables set with hand-thrown plates. Welcome in! My amazingly talented and creative colleagues inspire me every day and push me to be better all the time. Professionally and personally. We work hard and we have fun and we laugh and laugh and laugh.
Ghost Story podcast, Paranormal Caught on Camera, cups of hot water with lemon, butter toffee pretzels, Hero blemish patches, Naturium multi-peptide eye cream, and my Amazon electric toothbrush are some things that I’m loving lately.
Cheers! A toast to my friends that checked in on me and my family who supported me and my therapist who listened to me. (She has really helped me to help myself so much this year!) I know I still have a lot to learn about myself in the world, but I’m growing and working hard and doing my best every day. All the time I’m feeling more like myself. I’m practicing being happy and enjoying myself and celebrating my progress. Some days are really fuckin’ hard.
In 2024 I’m resolving to eat healthier foods, work on my financial health, take a trip to the east coast, maybe go international, perfect my milk pours, keep reading and learning and writing. Maybe I’ll go on a date???? I’m going to keep investing in my mental health and keep up with my daily yoga practice and being sober. (I’m 174 days today.)
Thanks for tuning in, y’all.
I’ll see you on the other side.